Is there a way out?

“This is your life and its ending one moment at a time.”

― Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

 

 

6 month ago

Desperate.  Husband is on a skiing trip and I’m home alone with the dog, thinking about what I could change that would shake me out of this pathetic state of mind. Wine. Is there some wine left? I find a half a bottle, it’s been open for weeks, sitting on the shelf where I keep the still-good-for-cooking wines. It will have to do.

We’ve been trying for a baby for over a year now and so far… nothing. Both Husband and I have been declared completely healthy and yet it’s not happening. I know it’s not easy, I know that above 30 you have 12% chance each month to get pregnant, I know I should be patient, get it out of my head and concentrate on other things… like cooking or sports or whatever… but still, it’s hard and it’s eating me up inside. Every month I pull myself together and every month my heart breaks. “Don’t worry. It’s gonna be fine! Many couples try for years!” my friends say. Yeah… thank you… but how is that supposed to make me feel better? But I never say that. I just put on a fake smile and say, “You’re right. It’s fine. How is that new yoga place? Did you like it?” I know that they’re just doing their best to help comfort me, but they can’t. They can’t fix me.

A few weeks ago Husband and I had had a serious conversation. He said that I’m changing for the worse. Those exact words, straight and sharp. He said he can feel the tension all the time around me. I’m never there, I’m always away in my thoughts and it’s worrying him. Desperation— I see it in his eyes. He’s terrified that this situation will change me and eventually change us, the precious us, and we will fade. His words are hurtful. I cry. I cry because I know he is right– I know! But I don’t know what to do!  He doesn’t hug and try to comfort me. He doesn’t tell me everything will be all right, stroke my head until I fall asleep and let another night go by, leaving this tough conversation for another day. He is standing in front of me and says, “You have to figure it out. I‘m here for you and I love you, and I want this to work for a long long time. But I can’t fix you.” He is so right. No one can fix me. No friends, no husband, no dog, no family. Only I can fix me.

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