Realizations

“You are your best thing” 

― Toni Morrison, Beloved 

I’m hearing paws stomping in the hallway. That means my alarm will ring in 1 minute. Yep, the 5:30 alarm is ringing. The stomping is getting faster while I’m reaching for my phone in the dark. “Come on mum! Let’s go! No snoozing! Get your coat and go!” My Bo, the sweetest thing ever. It’s been three years since I’ve been waking up every morning at 5:30 and walk almost two hours with him. Our morning walks— I love them! I realized that since these morning walks began I feel less tired and get more stuff done. Somehow my life feels more organized, and waking up early helps me stay focused and fit a lot more into my day. I use this time to think. Sometimes just letting my thoughts flow, other times actively focusing on certain topics. The morning after this painful conversation with Husband I started to think about what would help. I took all the things into account that are important, make or made me happy and that I could or should change: 

 

  • Family
  • Friends
  • My dog, Bo
  • Job
  • Running
  • Traveling
  • Learning
  • Crossfit
  • Reading
  • Cooking
  • Hiking
  • Yoga
  • Gastronomy
  • Horseback riding

 

I love horses. I find them stunning, calming and kind. I had a horse as a teenager, she was a present from my father. I remember we were having ice cream with a friend when I saw my sister pedaling down the street with a big smile on her face – “He bought it! Father bought you a horse!” Lady In Black, a beautiful young black mare. She was dazzling, stubborn and lovely at the same time. I had her for four unforgettable years. After high school, I moved to a different town for uni and bringing her with me would have cost simply too much money for my family. I still think of those times – waking up at 5:40, taking the bus to school, rushing to the stables after class, getting home by the evening and then studying until midnight. Saying it aloud sounds like a boring, busy daily routine, but believe me, it wasn’t. It was exciting! I loved my life. I loved me. I was confident, responsible, focused and I always managed to gain strength from Lady to maintain that. (Lady had a very nice life. We sold her to a breeder and she was taken care of by his kids who loved her. She died at the age of twenty-four on the fields. I met her granddaughter last year by accident. She was just like her, a dazzling, curious young black mare with calmness and gratitude in her eyes. I couldn’t even cry. I was just numbly stroking her neck.)

I‘m telling this story because the first things I took into consideration were the things I used to do when I felt complete and I don’t do anymore. Riding instantly popped, so I started to look for stables nearby. I found a neat one with lovely horses and a sympathetic trainer, but it didn’t really work out. It was nice, but I realized that it was not horseback riding that I was missing, but the whole sensation of having to take care of my own horse. The process of spending time together, building up a relationship and making her trust you. It was fun and nice, but it was simply a good weekend program– like watching an exciting movie in the cinema. A nice experience, but not a me changer. However, going back to the stables made me realize that I missed it much more than I first thought. So I made it a goal: I want to have enough time and money to be able to afford my own horse one day. This might not be in a year to two, maybe only in ten. But this is a goal for sure and I need to find a way to make it happen. And so, I got motivated to dig further into my transformation journey.  

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